Sex- There is more to it.
Sex is the most ultimate connection we can have with another human, it literally allows us to give all we are, everything we have ever been through and give part of ourselves in our most vulnerable state to another human.
Sex can literally make you feel like you’re closer to someone you may not even know. Think about it. When you walk by passed someone you have had sex with in a one night stand, what do you feel? People often report feeling awkward, guilty and closer to that person simply because they have had sexual intercourse with them. Isn’t that sad? You should never feel awkward or guilty after giving all you are to a person. It should be beautiful. Sex should be a beautiful act.
Not trying to guilt trip anyone, because we do make mistakes. Just so you know just because you make a mistake that doesn’t make you a mistake, it’s what you did not who you are. Let’s take a look into why sex is more than just an act of pleasure. Let’s look into why having sex with other humans involves more risks than the basic risk of pregnancy and diseases.
When you have sex there are certain chemicals that without your control, involuntarily are produced. A few of these chemicals are Dopamine, Oxytocin, and Vasopressin. Dopamine is a “feel good” chemical that is usually produced when doing something wild, exciting and thrilling! When you are having sexual Intercourse Dopamine is produced. Sex is one of the greatest producers of Dopamine, due to the rush and excitement you get while doing such act. Dopamine can be the cause of why so many teenagers have unthoughtful sex. Dopamine causes these humans to feel good during the act of having sex, but once the sex is over it usually causes the levels of Dopamine to drop down and often times it also causes the levels of self-esteem to drop down as well. People often report feeling bad and guilty after such acts, but they often keep doing it. Why? Simply because they love the feeling of Dopamine, the happy, feel good feeling it produces, but do you think the feeling good for couple minutes/hour is worth the guilt and lower self-esteem afterwards?
Oxytocin, is a trust-bonding chemical that is also produced during sex. Oxytocin is found in both men and women, but it is dominant in women. It is the same chemical that helps bond a mother and child. Oxytocin helps bond a woman and man. It helps keep the relationship faithful, and helps keep a marriage successful since it helps keep the couple monogamous. The word monogamous meaning one person, one sexual partner and faithful to one person.
Vasopressin, is also a bonding chemical that helps keep a man monogamous. Vasopressin is in both men and women, but dominant in men. This chemical is what helps a man have the ability to stay in a long-term relationship, it helps a man stay emotionally attached for the long run in marriage and in a family.
So, now that we understand what these chemical do and what they are the question arises, what happens when we have sex with multiple sex partners?
Don’t damage your bonding chemical
Humans aren’t supposed to have multiple sex partners, latest research actually indicated that most humans are meant to be sexually monogamous, humans are meant to have one sexual partner for life and have life-long monogamous bondings. Now that we know this, what actually happens to these chemicals that aren’t supposed to be activated and unactivated which is what happens when we have sex with multiple people. These chemicals get damaged over-time permanently damaged, because these chemicals are what causes a woman to bond to a man- man to woman, it helps stick the two together and bond, but if one person attaches to another human and a break up happens, the emotional pain occurs in order for the chemicals to leave, and when they meet another sexual partner the same cycle begins the bond happens, the attachment and since these chemicals don’t know the difference from a one night stand, a friend with benefits or a soulmate, the chemicals are produced and like anything that attaches overtime the more you stick it onto people it’ll eventually lose its effect to stick, to bond, and to attach. It can even get to the point where a person no longer feels their actions to be wrong, no guilt, to the point where a person just views sex as an act of pleasure rather than a connection of souls and bonding of two beautiful humans becoming one. They might believe these facts don’t apply to them and that they indeed aren’t doing any damage to their mental health, but that’s the opposite not only are you doing damage to your mental health, but unwise sex with multiple partners will do damage to your future husband, wife and family because the lack of the bond. Having unwise sex with the wrong partner might cause you to stay in a unhealthy, abusive, manipulative relationship because the bond is intact and you become blind to the facts. It’s what causes many toxic relationships to stay alive, despite the values not being the same or the roads of life being opposite. Another interesting fact is that guys can literally train their minds to get used to the pattern of having multiple sex partners, but by doing this they will damage their ability to be able to actually connect with one partner. Not worth the risk if you ask me.
My advice to you- young adult to teen
My advice to any teenager reading this is wait until marriage if you can, wait until you’re much much older to make a decision upon who you want to have sex with. If I knew all of these damaging effects in a heartbeat I would take back ALL my innocence and save it for my person, for the one, for my wife. I do know being a teenager once upon a time that we feel its normal for people to have sex and that if you’re in a relationship that sex comes with it, but thats far from the truth. If a guy/girl really does love you they will love you for your character, your values, your heart and the superficial stuff will be a bonus but of course they have to find you attractive. If you are in a relationship and your partner pressures you to have sex or says things like “if you loved me you would do this” or guilt you into it, than the question isn’t a matter of if you love them it’s now a matter of if they love you for bringing that up in that way. I know how it feels to be caught up in the process of “this is the one” and feeling trustful of that person and giving it up, only to find out that life had different plans for us and be left completely heartbroken and guilty. I know what it feels like to make mistakes, but like I have mentioned it’s okay to make mistakes just make sure you learn from them and grow. If you learn from your mistakes then that means they no longer are a mistake, but a lesson. Our bodies are temples we must love them and protect them, just think about finally meeting the one, the love of your life, but not being able to have that special connection with them because of decisions made when you were younger. That would suck, having to look at your soulmate right in the eyes and maybe even comparing the sex to all the other guys & girls from your past whether that’s willingly or unwillingly. IT’S NOT WORTH IT. For all my guys out there I do want to tell you something, having sex with a number of girls and bragging to your friends doesn’t make you a man, that makes you a boy. A man is one who can find one girl and keep her, that’s a man. My mistakes are years gone, I’m a completely different person, I have cleansed myself, I have renewed my mind, I have taken good care of my body, Although it did take years to leave the guilt, to forgive myself, I am no longer that person for years I have become new, I do thank God for all the wisdom at a young age, I do thank God for finding me when I was lost and before it was too late because God has showed me the way. This is wrote for you or your child to prevent them from making this mistake, of course I’m human and they are human and will make mistakes along the way and with anything in life they will continue to make more and they will continue to grow. Be their friend, be their mother and father try to understand them if they have already made this mistake it’s never too late to better ourselves, help them don’t be angry with them. This blog was wrote for those of you who don’t know better, it’s wrote for the parents who might want to talk to their kids, high schoolers, teeenagers, young adults about the effects of sex, it should be a constant talk with your kids not just once, trust me that awkward talk will save your child years of guilt or regret.
If this bonding chemicals are so important why do so many relationships fail right?
Well obviously this bonding chemical is what helps create an intense bond, the more you have sex with the same partner the bond should become stronger if its not already extremely damaged so it is possible one partner to be attached while the other it’s merely an act. A relationship is two people, not one. Besides these many other aspects come into play with why a relationship fails, like communicated, values, principlies, decisions and much more..
I lost my virginity to my ex, and now I feel guilty. Did I damage these bonding chemicals?
First, of all don’t feel bad. Guilt is good. It tells you that what you did wasn’t right and not to do it again, it’s just a warning. Being ashamed is what’s bad, never be ashamed just grow from your mistakes. Just next time wait a long time, until marriage if you have that strong will before having sexual intercourse as you have seen sometimes things don’t workout how we expect them too. Make sure next time your values and life goals with a family match with theirs.
I got used and tricked by someone thinking they cared and I had sex with them, what do I do?
Well, like i have said pay attention to who you choose to have sex with as many people sadly are sexually driven and don’t go off by words but also by actions, values and be with someone for a long time before thinking in engaging into any sexual intercourse.
I have had sex with so many partners, I had no idea I would affect my future this bad what do I do?
Although your bonding chemicals might not be strong or they may be very damaged it’s hard to say. Either way my best answer would be to go on a cleanse of no sex for a very long time, i mean long time, get to know yourself, your values, your goals and commit to yourself not to have sex until you meet the one and once you have met the one take it slow with him and learn as much as you can about relationships, communication, love languages to ensure you doing all you can to have a successful relationship.
I have a partner and we have had sex already what do I do, should I stop?
This is a tough question. I could easily just tell you to stop and wait until marriage, but if you guys have been dating for a long time, or dating for a short time then just make sure you both view sex as a connection not just an act or part of the relationship. Talk to your partner about this effects and make a commitment to make things work no matter how hard they get, but obviously be aware of toxic traits and what is healthier for both of you in the long run. If the relationship works great, just always grow together and communicate. If the relationship is going downhill make sure sex isn’t what’s keeping the relationship alive, it’s a beautiful connection not a foundation. If the relationship ends, My advice is commit to yourself to wait year(s) until doing sexual intercourse with a person and make a list of what you want and don’t want in a person-values and make sure everything lines up. IF YOU ARE AT A VERY YOUNG AGE- I do suggest you stop having sexual intercouse with your partner and build a much stronger foundation.
P.s.- I am not expert in this field. I did do a lot of research from pages and books I will list below. These answers come from my best knowledge and I made sure my sources weren’t biased and done by experts. This is a topic not discussed very often, but I do believe its huge to let people know. I want to say thank you from my whole heart, I want to say thank you for reading this. Its an odd topic for my first blog, but it just happened to be what I’m learning about during the time being. Thank you.
If you have questions, concerns, or even constructive criticism feel free to email me Kevin.firstname.lastname@example.org
Bryner, J. (2012, September 06). Are Humans Meant to Be Monogamous? Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/32146-are-humans-meant-to-be-monogamous.html
McIlhaney, J. S., & Bush, F. M. (2008). Hooked: New science on how casual sex is affecting our children. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.