Grief- Dealing with the loss of a parent or loved one.

“Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can’t understand it.” – Interstellar.

A Reminder

I lost my dad when I was younger, and I know many of us have dealt or known of someone who has gone through this great pain and sadness of losing a parent or close loved one. When we lose a mom, dad, brother, or sister, it’s an incredible pain that no words can describe. They say the most beautiful things in life can’t be seen or touched, but must be felt with the heart. I believe in the same truth that the worst pains in life can’t be seen or touched, but must be felt by the heart. During, these painful times most humans shut down, they need time and space to take it in, no words fix anything. Some words might bring comfort to your heart and soul. No words never really make one better when losing a loved one and it’s because when there is a time for happiness and a time for joy there is also a time for grief and time for embracing our emotions. So, feeling sad and having your heart completely shattered is okay. Laying in bed for couple days or weeks is okay, don’t get me wrong we all have our timing to heal. During, this dark time, during this sadness, I want to remind you of something of great wisdom. You will have to walk through the valley of darkness, and you will have to walk through the valley of sadness. While walking through these valleys you might feel weak, you might be crawling inch by inch, but I want to remind you that even though you might have to walk through these walks of life that…you don’t have to stay there. You can always find peace in your heart and peace in your mind when you can’t find happiness or joy close by.

A Glimpse

I remembered on January 4, 2009, my mother runs into my room and tells me in tears and the great pain that my dad has just passed away. When I got this news I put my head down; I was confused. I had a million thoughts racing through my head, so many questions came up within seconds, could this be true? Is she lying? Why would she lie? What do I do? How do I react?  But at the very same time, I wasn’t thinking about anything at all. I almost just accepted it I just felt all the butterflies die within my stomach, and I felt my heart get broken into millions of pieces. I would lie to you if I told you I know what happened the next day or even that year because I don’t remember, I remember that hour and that was it. I’m not sure if I became numb after that or stayed in denial, but all I know is it took me two years to actually look back and accept what had happened. In 2011 one of the worst years of my life I would cry every night missing my dad. I would cry every night thinking what life would be like if my dad were still here. I wept with heaviness and regret in my heart thinking of all the things I never really got to say to him, How I loved him, how I missed him. How we missed him. For years I carried this heavy heart, and for years I carried the thought that if I didn’t do well in specific tasks in my life that maybe my dad would be disappointed in me and for years, I thought those thoughts might be right. Guilt and beating myself up for many years, cursing myself out, feeling anger and wondering who is to blame? Why did this happen? The worst part about it all was I never really told anyone it was all in my head, at night. I suffered in my head for years to come. At the time I didn’t have much faith, I believed partially in God so that I could have the peace in my heart that he is up in heaven. I also quickly turned against this God that I didn’t know much of and would blame God, I would ask why? Why did you take him from me? If you’re so real why did this all happen to me? I would fill my heart with anger and grief thinking to myself; my dad won’t be there when I graduate, My dad won’t be there when I have kids, and when I have a special day in my life. Overwhelming sadness would rush across my soul. I probably faced all of these thoughts in my head until the end of my sophomore year where I eventually hit rock bottom with family problems, heavy heart, no faith, crushed and heartbroken in a relationship. It took for me to reach the point where I no longer wanted to live this life anymore, it took for me to hit the very bottom of it all to be able to look up. So, what did I learn from carrying all the pain in my heart and carrying it alongside with other life problems? So, what did I learn when I was down at the bottom and started not only looking up but moving up?

What did I learn?

I learned that it’s okay to be weak. Oh my goodness it’s so beautiful to be weak, God wants us to know that we don’t have to be strong all the time, there is a time to grief. Take your time. Its okay to not go out, it’s okay to tell people you’re hurting and want some alone time. It’s okay to break down in public, you’re so beautiful, and you need to remember that. Being weak is often the strongest thing you can do. God wouldn’t allow anything happen to you that you couldn’t handle, if you’re reading this you’re still holding strong and will continue to do so, remember that.

I learned from hitting rock bottom that this God that I didn’t believe in, that this God that I never knew, this God I would curse at, this very same God was the only one there helping me when I wanted to end it all. I learned that It was unfair for me to blame God for what had happened because as humans he gives us free will and sometimes we as good people sometimes don’t do good things for ourselves not because we’re sick people, but because we are human. God is the only one that can see and feel the exact pain in our hearts. Yes, that very same feeling that you have in your heart God can feel every second, every pain, every blood flow of that pain go into your heart. God wants to help us, but he doesn’t force anything on us, we must decide to let him help us. I would’ve saved myself a lot of pain and sorrow if I would’ve let my ego go a long time ago and ask for help. God is God we can’t comprehend how he works or what He is capable of doing because he is God, not a human. So, if you were like me lack of faith or no faith at all, I would strongly recommend just for help, I seen many things happen to me and helped me, and I can tell you God is real. Even though life isn’t fair and people aren’t fair, God is fair. Don’t ask God why or question or be mad at him like I was, be wise and ask for strength, ask him to help you and trust him God will help you, he will gladly help you, but you have to open to the signs and open your eyes. Say “ God, I don’t understand what is happening and I need help, please help me, I am confused and heartbroken, but I trust you.”

I learned that Just because we have to walk through those paths of life, that we don’t have to stay there. You have to let them go and not hold onto that pain, because like in my case holding on sometimes does more damage than good. Think of it as a rope that you’re holding onto, your hands are well gripped on it, as the rope is being pulled your hands will become fragile and weak. Let go,you’re only hurting yourself, and they wouldn’t want that, trust me and trust them. I don’t know who you might have lost, but I do know one thing, and that’s that they’re going to a better place and they would want you to be happy. Yes, they might have passed, and it seemed like a part of you died and was taken with them, but a part of them was also kept alive in you and will stay with you. Don’t let their loss be an excuse to stay hurt, let it be your purpose. Live for them and celebrate their wonderful life. Whenever something is hard, and you feel weak, remind yourself what you been through, remind yourself who is on your side and say because of that event happening I will get through this! We humans often think of our world in such little perspective, we fail to acknowledge that when we die, only our physical bodies die, but not our souls. That beautiful soul you lost isn’t gone. Yes, you might not be able to see them or touch them physically, but they are still there just not in the way that we would like them too. Don’t think about the things you wish you could’ve said because you still can. Say it to them now. They are still here, watching over you. Don’t worry about the last conversation you might have had, because they can see and know what you honestly feel. Those times when we think they won’t be there in my wedding, to meet my wife, to see me graduate, to watch my kids, to see me go to college, and all that are all lies. They are still there, smiling. They are now an angel watching over you, they love you, and they know you love them. It’s true you might not be happy all the time, but you can always be at peace knowing they are in a better place, knowing they can still hear you and see you. On the day they passed away try to do something they enjoyed doing in their memory, do something to celebrate them. Let it be your drive, grow through what you go through. When you remember them, don’t remember how sad you felt. Instead, remember your strength and purpose in their memory. If you’re still hurting talk about it, cry about it, its okay, write letters to them and store them away. Cherish their belongings, but remember that Love you had for them and that Love they had for you, is still there. Love is the one thing that we are capable of having that can transcend time and space.

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