Betrayal: Emotional deceit


“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemy” – Unknown

Our thoughts when we are betrayed.

I honestly thought that you were going to be in my life forever, how could you do this to me? I don’t understand, we were bestfriends, you knew every part of me. You knew the part of me that was destroyed, you knew the part of me that was shining full of happiness with you, how could you do this to me knowing all of me? I just can’t comprehend, I try so hard to understand like did I go wrong somewhere, did I mess up, It was my fault for trusting you so much? Was there signs I didn’t pay attention to? Was I not good enough, I thought you were the one. I thought we were going to be friends forever. I mean look how we started full of sunshine and rainbows. It was so exciting and so awesome! Life was so complicated before you and than you came and stayed and I was like this is it, this is the one, there is no doubt in my mind we going to be ride or die. It was so hopeful every up and down in our relationship was so worth it, going through hell wasn’t bad at all because knowing I had you going through hell brought some heaven to it all. The biggest punch to the gut is knowing I would’ve done anything for you. I prayed for you every night. I would’ve been your guardian angel. I would’ve taken the fall for you. I would’ve believed you were right even if you were wrong. I would’ve been with you over the mountain, I would’ve been with you under the moonlight. Up and down I would’ve valued our friendship priceless. That’s what makes my stomach turn, that’s what makes me throw up, that’s what makes me so sick, knowing that a part of me wishes I never ever met you. Knowing that a part of me wanted to keep you around and be a good person in my story, but that you decided that wasn’t the part you wanted to take. My energy drops dramatically  because I’m so confused, I feel so stupid how could I trust someone so much, how can I give someone so much of me, treat someone so good and have them so badly do me wrong? Now what? All for nothing? How do I just forget a person I wanted to be the highlight of my life? I don’t even know how or what I feel. I feel so betrayed. Now I look back at all the memories and wonder how much of it was real or was it even real at all? I feel so angry, so bitter. I feel so sad, why is it that I feel so bad on them? Yet,at the same time I hope they never feel the hurt I feel. Why do I want them to suffer how I suffered, why do I want to get back at them, but at the same time I’m so drained, I’m so hurt I just am done. I didn’t know it took so much love to hate you like this.

Betrayal

Betrayal sucks and what makes it worse often times is acting like it doesn’t hurt. When we are asked “how are you doing” we respond by saying “I am doing good” and we act and walk around with a smile knowing deep down we are scarred and our trusting hearts are broken. Why do we do this? We do this because we often think because the person we loved and trusted already did enough damage so giving them the satisfaction of being hurt is the last thing we want them to see.

We have to understand that when we are betrayed by anyone whether that’s a friend, wife, husband, boyfriend/ girlfriend or family member, we have a tendency to make it personal. We think  just because they did to me it’s because of me. Often times people do bad to you not because of you, but because of them. People’s commitment are based on things going in their favor, so when things aren’t going to well or when their unreasonable expectations aren’t met or simply when “they don’t feel it” they do selfish acts that hurt others. Listen, when people betray us whether that’s cheating on us in a marriage,a relationship or having our best friend tell our secrets to our enemies we wonder, “how could you do this to me” we tend to ask or try to understand just how someone we treated so well could do us so wrong? But that’s not what your focus should be on after being hurt and betrayed no matter how much philosophy, how many questions you ask. You are a good person, you won’t comprehend the mind of someone who was capable of cheating or lying to us because if we did than odds are if we did fully understand then we would probably be capable of doing the same thing. Be happy you can’t understand them and be happy God revealed them in front of your eyes. We question God why did you allow this to happen? If you loved me, God why would you let them hurt me so much? It’s the exact same reason  God allowed them to hurt us,so one day they wouldn’t destroy us. God can see who is for us and who is against us. God can see maybe that person who betrayed you here and now, is the same person that 10-15 years from now would’ve done the same thing, but God loves us so he allows this to happen now rather than down the road where we wouldn’t be able to handle it as well.

How can he loves us if he let this happen? First of all, many times we ourselves get ourselves into problems because of our desires even despite seeing many red flags we think that maybe I can change them. Maybe I can help them grow or simply tell ourselves this time is different. We get ourselves into dangerous positions and then we ask God why we are where we are, but life isn’t forced. God talks to us, but he doesn’t force us to do anything. Once God sees  we are being deceived by the works of the enemy, that we are being deceived by our own “friends” how far do you want him to go in order to safe you? God will whisper. He will shout, tug and pull if there are millions of miles between you and Him. He will walk all those miles, but will ask you to walk only one mile. God can see when good people are being hurt, and He will reveal who people really are to you. God loves you and he will rather see you hurt now and grow with this pain than let you walk your whole life deceived and destroyed. Change your questions.

No, it wasn’t your fault for loving and trusting someone so much. That’s what you’re supposed to do.

No, you didn’t mess up anywhere. You did the best that you could and that’s all you can do. You did your best and release the rest. Are you really going to beat yourself up for giving it your all?

No, it’s not that you weren’t good enough. My beautiful person reading this, you in fact were too much for that person. You have such a H U G E loving heart that deserves another big loving heart, not a small heart that didn’t see your value.

No, they weren’t the one. You are the one. They messed up and they will look back and see that they had the best thing ever. I mean, how can they not miss someone who treated them so good and did them no wrong? But don’t focus on that, you keep growing and being you.

No, it’s not your fault you didn’t see those signs or paid closer attention. You’re in love with that person. Sure, don’t be naive and be curious, but don’t be beat yourself up for not having your guard up. The walls are for the enemy not for the one you love.

No, the beautiful start and the beautiful memories do not  mean that’s how it’s going to end. People change and especially, in 2019, people don’t know who they are or what they want, so understand the change and hurt came from their own hurt and lack of wisdom not yours.

No, all of it wasn’t for waste, it wasn’t for nothing and even though you were the one giving the whole time and never getting it may seem that it was all a mistake, that it was all a waste and that you lost. But did you really lose? What did you lose, someone who didn’t love you with the same commitment and love you had for them, but that’s not a loss that’s a gain. All those things you gave them, all that time you spent on them it wasn’t a loss because you showed them what they lost and showed yourself how much of a big loving heart you have to offer and that you deserve the same!

Forgiveness? HOW? HECK NO!

 When we are betrayed by someone we deeply love and trusted with all our hearts, the last thing on our minds is forgiveness. I mean, you trusted them so much and they completely deceived you, how can you forgive that? We can’t even think about forgiving them. In fact, often times we wish them bad and find ourselves thinking or saying “ I hope they get what they deserve”, “ I hope karma gets them”, “I wish they could see what they have done to me and see the pain they have caused me, I hate them.” I won’t say feeling this way is bad, we feel that way and with all honestly I have found myself thinking the exact same thing. When we love someone and they betray us by doing the exact thing they promised they wouldn’t do that deep love turns into hate. I mean how can we just let it go, by forgiving? How can we just let go of someone who lied to us right to our face? How can we just let go of someone who kissed us, told us they loved us and right away went to kiss someone else? How can we just let go of someone who used our friendship to get what they want, only to leave when they please. How can we let go of someone who promised us forever but yet gave us never? How can we just let go of someone we risked everything for and stayed up countless nights only for them to throw us away like nothing? How can we ask others and ourselves to forgive someone who completely manipulated and mentally messed us up?  How can we ask ourselves to forgive and let go of someone who who knew what destroyed us in the past and did the exact same thing?! Let me tell you a short story about a fun experience I had.

Once, I was dating a girl which at the time I thought would be my wife. I know, I know right!? What’s a young kid like me thinking about marriage!? Well, I wasn’t thinking about marriage, but I was thinking about loving this person for the rest of my life as I risked many things for this individual and never once questioned their part in my life. This individual convinced me and made me comfortable enough with their actions and words to make me believe in a forever future. Long story short, this individual who knew I was cheated on in the past, who knew how hard it was to regain my trust and did! This individual who knew what destroyed me, left me randomly one weekend promising me about meeting again in a few months since the time was difficult, only for me to find out this person I thought loved me and this person I deeply loved already had someone else in their mind and did exactly what they knew destroyed me in the past and did exactly what they promised they wouldn’t. Now, I would be lying to you if I said this didn’t completely destroy me and keep me from sleep at night. I would be lying if I said this didn’t affect my mental health. For days I was in total disbelief, I even found myself throwing up a few times and had no appetite for a while. Yes, at first like any other human I tried to makes sense of it all and found myself asking the questions like up above. I became bitter and angry. UNTIL I realized what a blessing I actually had, that betrayal was a blessing!

Betrayal = Blessing

Let’s, get a few things figured out first. When we say forgiveness, we associate that word with “ getting off the hook”. We tend to think once we forgive them then it’s all over and they’re in the clear. Wrong. Forgiveness is personal, it’s for you, not them. Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the hook, it’s about you being in the clear. Forgiveness is about forgiving yourself for trusting someone who convinced you to trust them. It’s about forgiving yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know until you had to go through it. You’re not stupid, you’re just a good person, one of the few, be proud of yourself and quit beating yourself up because of other peoples crappy actions. An unforgiving heart won’t do them any harm if anything by not forgiving you’re actually allowing them to do more damage than they already have done. Forgiveness is a sign of strength and courage only few can do it and by doing this you are yet again showing yourself that you deserve better and showing them they have lost someone of great value.  Even if they can’t see it now and even if they pretend to care less, what goes around comes around. Just remember that just because we have decided to not let them do us anymore harm and no longer allow them to take up space in our mind that God will also do the same. God is the only one who can judge us, let God judge them. The Lord says for us to do good and for him to judge and take care of everything else (Deuteronomy 32:35). No matter who you are or what you do, losing and doing someone you loved wrong is always a loss. You on the other hand who got betrayed, did you really lose? You just discovered someone who truly didn’t love you and God showed you the true colors they actually possess. We should smile and be happy God saved us from further damage. Better it happening now then later. You’re exactly where you need to be. God will turn everything bad into something great, not just good but great! The enemy might have tried to use those people to try to push you away from God but it only will draw you closer. The enemy tried to use those people to cause your fall, but it will only cause you to rise. Remember even when people aren’t good that God is always good. Now, lets quit giving them anymore time and power over us, we have given them enough. What do I mean by this?  Every time we give them time that means we spend time talking about them, mentioning their name, talking about what they did to us. I understand when we have all those questions in our head, how can we not give them time to wonder how they could lie so well. Let me help you with your thoughts and questions about why. I struggled many times asking how could they, why would they. I may sound callous, but in all reality it doesn’t matter how could they or why did they the only thing that matters is that they did! You don’t have to know all the answers, you have enough actions and enough hurt in your heart to unpack their crap and pack your belongings and walk! Quit giving them your power. You give them power by talking and thinking about everything they did to you and said to you. You bring back old emotions and cause your stomach to turn, by doing this, you give them power over you. Take your power back and realize that what they did and what they said wasn’t about you, it was about them. Their false promises says more about them than about you. Don’t do the mistake of taking everything they said so personal, I know this is hard not to take personal, but by now we should know that the people in our generation don’t truly know who they are and so when they don’t know who they are then they don’t know what they want and so they will say anything to get something they think they want. People will say just about anything “in the moment” to meet their needs even if they don’t mean it. In my case, they might often back it up with actions, and the next moment turn around walk away. Don’t hold onto the words, when you catch yourself thinking about the words they said to charm you remind yourself and tell yourself “ You know what, they said many things to charm me, but that doesn’t matter anymore what matters now is not what they said but what they did.” You’re okay, smile and ignore it. Don’t be bitter, be better. I’m not asking you to wish them the best, but I’m asking you to let go gracefully because of God. Don’t let your heart be hardened, stay soft and keep loving. The only thing betrayal meant is you have something ten times better than that coming your way. God will take your suffering and multiply by two to turn it into something great if you stay a good person. I decided to let go. You should too. I no longer wish to think about anyone who has done me wrong, as I put myself and my mental health first. You should too. I no longer become angry at the thoughts, I simply accept them and am moving forward. You should too. I no longer get stuck in how could they, because even if i was told why, it won’t fix anything. I simply choose to give my time to other things. You should too. Just show them love, wish them the best and even if you can’t find it in your heart to do that simply wish yourself the best and move forward. Don’t just go through the hurt and pain, but grow through it all. You have wasted enough love, but that’s okay we have plenty of that to waste. Just don’t waste the pain, use it to grow. You are such a beautiful person and if you didn’t have such a great future ahead of you then you wouldn’t be going against such tough challenges. If you’re going through something extremely hard just know that means you’re extremely strong. I told you only about one bad experience about being betrayed and lied to, but it has happened many times and probably will happen many more times I’m sure you have experience worst things, I know friends who have been married and had similar things and worse things happen to them. I took inspiration from those friends and saw them grow and saw them choose themselves after it all. This blog is to remind you just because someone made a mistake that it has nothing to do with you, forgive. This blog is to remind you that you should choose you. Choose the best for everyone. Let go and let God.

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