Before I met Jesus, I never understood why some people believed in God when all these bad things happen to us. I didn’t understand why some people think God is good when He would take so much from us, including a family member from me. I used to think to myself, “God if you’re so real, why haven’t you answered my prayers? God if you’re so real, why is it that I’m going through dark valleys all the time?” That’s why I didn’t believe in God, because it was a dumb idea. I used to think anyone who believed in God was delusional and were weak minded people who needed something to believe in. I would look at how bad everyone is, how this world is actually such a bad, cruel world. The bible made no sense and church is boring, I didn’t understand what the pastor was even saying. I would laugh thinking how were these people in the bible going to relate to me when they lived so many years ago? I see my family struggling, I had so much hate, people were so mean to me, and I was so mean to people, but I thought maybe that’s how life simply is.
It started when I was 5 years old. I was out playing with my cousins and I had an accident where I tripped and a steel rebar went straight into my eye which lead to going to the hospital. I had a surgery in my left eye where the doctors were able to save my eye. I never thought much about my appearance as a kid, but when I started going to school at 5-6 years old, I started looking at my life and myself differently. Since one of my eyes was weak due to the injury, my brain wouldn’t use it as much as my strong eye. This lead to my bad eye to venture off at random times. At school, because of this difference I started being made fun and was called names. I remember people would make fun of me and ask me where I was looking at or look around when I would look directly at them, because they thought they were funny. I would laugh along with everyone and pretend I thought they were funny, but when I would get home after school I would go straight to the mirrors in my bathroom, look at myself and cry. When I would wake up and get ready for the day that’s the first thing I would notice and I little by little would hate myself. My confidence was at rock bottom. I would be afraid to look people in the eye. I would look up momentarily and look down throughout the conversations. I would honestly think no girls liked me because I was a monster and ugly. I never liked telling anyone about what was going on because I was so embarrassed for them to realize I had this difference. I just tried my best to hide my insecurity than treat it. The constant jokes, low-self esteem, the non existent self-confidence all continued until about sophomore year in high school.
During elementary school things at home weren’t the greatest, my mother and father weren’t having the best time financially, and they couldn’t see eye to eye. My father’s drinking became excessive yet, he was one of the nicest, most selfless people I have ever known. Life around me wasn’t the greatest and I had no faith, no one to look towards to. My parents ended up separating from each other. My mother was obviously stressed out; I was mad at her. I loved my dad so much and I remember I would see him drink so much. I would blame her for the divorce. When I would see my dad drinking, I never actually thought drinking would do anything. I honestly thought it was like water, that it wouldn’t do any harm to you. The drinking got so bad and my dad tried quitting multiple times, but it was too hard for him. January 4th 2009, I was still in elementary school during this time and it was winter break when I received news that impacted my life tremendously.
The phone was ringing one morning and next thing I know I hear my mother running .towards my room and as she enters, crying she told me my dad had passed away due to liver failure. During this time, I really didn’t know how to react. I honestly was confused. I just remember that one hour when I was told what happened. If I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure what happened to me the rest of that year because it was all a blur. I never actually cried about my dad being gone after that one day. It wasn’t until 2011, two years later when it finally hit me that my dad was gone. It was really odd, it was like it left me shocked or I was just in denial for two years. During 2011, my mom found someone new as a partner, who would be my little brother’s dad. They actually kept the pregnancy from me too because they knew I wouldn’t like it, and we all had moved into a new home during this time. I became angry, I developed a victim mentality and it’s like I woke up and realized how much I missed my dad when this whole change was happening around me. I had been alone and changes were happening to me and I didn’t even know how to grow up to be a man. I hated everyone in my household. I fought with my older sister, argued with my mom, and would always argue with my little brother’s dad. During this time is when I had so much hate inside of me, I would look to different things to blame. I would cry every night asking, “Why?”, “ Why did you take my dad? What did I do to you God?” I would question God, I became angry towards Him and I blamed Him or everything I would curse at God and tell God to do this or that if He was so real. I cried almost every night, and since desperately, I would look for people to put the blame on, I started blaming myself for my dad passing away. I thought to myself that if I only told my dad to stop drinking that he would have because he loved me so much, but I didn’t tell him so it was my fault. I had this mindset that if I did bad in soccer or just in life that my dad would be very disappointed in me, and goodness it put so much weight on my shoulders. I had such a heavy soul. As I carried this hate inside of me, kept blaming everyone around me and argued with everyone. I ended up getting my family basically kicked out of the new home. My now single mother moved us quickly into a small home, she started working three jobs just to meet our needs and provide our home. With my mom being gone more than half the time my older sister, who was in high school during this time would babysit me (I was in 6th grade) . It was during this time where my older sister was also going through her own struggles. Her way of dealing with everything was through partying and drugs. Being around that environment, I ran to those drugs to numb a pain inside of me. I did it all in 6th grade Weed, alcohol , cigarettes and more all while my mother was gone working hard for us. There we were, ungrateful kids doing all this behind her back. It was these high schoolers who were doing drugs alongside me who also brought me to someone who made a huge impact in my life.
They took me one time to an indoor soccer event in town where two coaches saw me play. After the event, they asked for my information so I could join their team, but I gave them the wrong number because I thought they would charge me or something at the time. Even though I never showed up again and these coaches didn’t know anything about me, but my name, one of the coaches insisted on finding me. This coach, Mr. Newman went around town looking for me for two days until he found the car my mom drove (a kid from the indoor team told them the type of car my mom had) and found her in a store and told her about the team so I could join. Mr. Newman,who could’ve just forgotten about me, who could’ve done anything with his day, instead went to look for a dumb kid. He would pick me up for practices and for games. The cost for being on the team was $90 dollars, but even that was quite a bit for us who were already struggling.I never paid him the full amount, he would tell me to pay him back with smiles and hardwork. Mr. Newman would do so much for me, he gave my my first pair of Nike cleats because the ones I had were ripped.
When Mr.Newman would pick me up for games, I remember for some reason that he always had a specific radio station playing. It was 98.7, which I now know is a christian radio station, but back then I just remember the music was soothing to me. I just knew it was beautiful and I used to think they were simple love songs. I moved a year later to another town, but I remember how great this stranger was to me. In the middle of hell in my life, God brought heaven to me and He sent an angel. He sent someone to really tell me He was there even when I refused to ask God for anything.
We moved to another town and as time went by I grew angry and defensive. Instead of being made fun of, I remember that I would make fun of people now, and I wasn’t very nice. I was very sinful, I would get picked on and I would pick on others because I was so defensive. From 7th grade to 10th grade I basically numbed myself. I just dealt with my insecurities on my own and bottled everything in. During the end of 10th grade was the turning point of my life. I was very in love with a girl who I was with at the moment, but I was very insecure and jealous. Like any other relationship there were mistakes on both sides, but I admit I was broken and carried many toxic traits. The girl who I would say was my first love ended up breaking up with me, I was already lost and this was the final blow for me. As I grew up and I victimized myself, I always carried anger and hate in my heart until I met this girl. I placed all my hope in her, I forgot about every problem when I was with her, but when she was gone then all my hope was gone. None of this was her fault, it was me not loving myself, so I wasn’t able to love someone else correctly. It was me bringing old demons and scars into the relationship. It was me having no foundation. I found my identity on everything, but my own creator and my true self. So, when I lost those things than I also lost who I also thought I was. With a broken heart and past demons following me around, the weight finally became too heavy. My heavy, hateful, and now broken heart was all too much. All the anger towards God, everything in my life came to face me, the demons laughing at me, and the devil asking me where God was? I looked at my whole life summed up and fell into depression. I wanted to be sad, I began to hurt myself I started cutting and it was during this time I was about to end my life, no one in my home knew about me,and no one knew about what I was going through. With blood all over my wrist and knife on my hands, from the bottom of my soul I was tired of it all. I was tired of everything going wrong. I remember I had hit rock bottom, and I would drive around contemplating just switching lanes and crashing head on unto other cars. As I drove there was always moments when I would go to this one radio station just because I would remember it would somehow bring me peace and like comfort. The station was the 98.7, the same station from years ago in Mr. Newman’s car that God knew I would use 6 years later. I cried out to God in my car asking Him to forgive me, I cried out to God and asked him to help me that I no longer wanted to be like this anymore. That’s when I heard the song “FOR KING & COUNTRY-shoulders” and I broke down crying and in a very vulnerable, heartbroken kind of way I genuinely called on God for mercy. I had no option, but to ask God to please help. When this happened it was like something inside of me changed and I almost lost myself again, but this time it’s like I let God take over, and something inside of me just clicked. I began to change my life for the better. I began to workout and again I was almost blinded.I never really put much thought into what I was doing, but I knew I need to do certain things to get better. One night a couple months later I walked out of the gym and into my car, and I looked at my life and just thought how weird it was that I was such a mess months ago and that I was doing better mentally, physically and spiritually all of a sudden. It was that same night when it felt like I woke up again. Like I realized something, I began to cry inside my car just asking “how did this happen?” and that’s when it hit me that it wasn’t me. This was all God. The song, Mr.Newman, how God was always there the whole time when I turned my back on him, how he knew I would keep running away from him and even when I kept sinning long after He kept loving me, His grace was sufficient! God was there all along. After this, I started my journey you could say. I started to youtube, research to learn more about God. I actually didn’t start going to church until 2018, where I got baptized again on August 26, 2018. I still made many mistakes in the early years of my journey, but quickly realized I couldn’t go back to my sinful ways.
Yes I still get people who judge me from those mistakes and even now I make mistakes, but never to a bad extent. The more I get to know who God is, the more I grow closer. Even if you’re going through a tough time, and everything looks really bad, God is always watching, looking for you, waiting for you to really reach out to Him with a pure cry of help. God allows us to have free will, but just because bad things happen to us that doesn’t mean it’s God works. God will use all the bad intended to be used against you for you.
We sometimes think that just because God is silent that He is absent, but in all reality He is just working to save you! Things don’t always happen for a reason, but God will make a reason for everything. God works in mysterious ways, God is always working even in the middle of the storm. We focus so much on the storm, on the loud thunder and how big the storm is that we forgot just how big God is. We think that God is not there simply because things are hard, we think God is not there because we don’t get answers. It’s not hard to find people like this all around us, we find them everyday. They carry this heavy smile and broken heart. I told you that I was like that too, I was desperate, I didn’t believe, I wanted answers, and I wanted love while giving hate. I was giving rotten fruit out expecting good fruits back. My testimony is simply to say that just because you think God is not answering you it’s not because He doesn’t care it’s because He is at war for you.
Here are the examples:
God moved through someone else, He moved through a good christian man to bring light in my dark world. God KNEW that I would need help one day, God used this christian man to serve me, a sinner who cursed God and ran away from Him. God sent an angel while I was in the valley of depression. God knew that during my sophomore year in high school, that I would need that seed of God’s love that Mr. newman planted in my heart. He knew that I would hit that point in my life where I no longer wanted to be here. God’s mercy is amazing. That’s why we should always love our neighbors, the person next to us, because no matter how bad they treat others, no matter how happy they seem, we never really know what goes on in their life.God wants to move through us, but we must allow Him. I’m thankful Mr.Newman allowed God to work through him, so that I had the opportunity to be here writing this, glory to God.
God knew that I was truly hurt about my fathers passing away, God knew that I was deeply hurt because I lost the my father through alcohol and my father was a great man, but I learned that sometimes good people do bad things. Even when they want to stop they can’t alone. I know the Lord has my dad, but \ God knows that alcohol is one of the enemies favorite tools, so what did God do? He made my fathers passing away become my purpose in life. God literally turned my hurt into a blessing. God turned my tears into passion. My pain into my purpose. How great is that? I now own a gym, I now know that God turned what the enemy tried to use against me..for me! One of my purposes in life is through health & fitness and I let the Lord take over and lead the way through my journey. I let the God take control of my mental health, spiritual health and physical health. God not only used my father’s passing to make it part of my purpose, but used that very same blessing to save my life.
God used the bullying and insecurities in my life. God used what the enemy used to lower my self esteem, to be how God moves through me to help others. Through empathy and wisdom. The enemy tried to make me believe I was less because the enemy said I was my insecurities, said that what others said was true, he tried to beat me down. God’s grace was more than sufficient, God is faithful and when God found me, He used all that hurt inside my heart. He used the insecurities, the judgement towards me and the judgement I had towards others and turned it into compassion. He used all those tears of mine, and the cracks in my broken heart, broken spirit, and broken confidence so He can shine through those cracks and be able to shine light unto others by feeling empathy, wisdom, and compassion while talking to others or writing.
God used my broken family and the constant fights the enemy tried to use to divide our house into the same reason we fight for eachother now. God saw that I would constantly blame my mother and sister for everything. He saw that I never looked eye to eye with them and used those two women in my life, my main motivation to fight when things to hard. He used the woman I couldn’t look eye to eye with as a person I look up to now, my mother. He used my sister who I would argue and fight with all the time at the first signs of true change. I was raised by women and I respect them so much. God used the mother I didn’t appreciate as means to be the reason I now know what hard work is. I now love my mom and my family. I will one day give them everything and more.
What I learned now & what has changed?
I started to read and look more into who this God was that saved me, who this God was that I ran away from, It was just crazy to me to know that there is a love out there that will die for us and choose us unconditionally even when we refuse Him, blame him and don’t believe in Him. He continues to believe in us and love us. I know I’m not perfect, I know I still make mistakes, but after hitting rock bottom, after almost taking my life away it was when life gave me a new beginning, when I truly became new.
I started my journey I never went to church, in fact I thought it was really boring. I started my journey by reading christian books to better my faith, I started to look on youtube, I picked up the bible and tried to really understand what It was saying rather than be close minded and ignore it. When God found me, I found myself. When God found me, He gave me my purpose. When God found me, I found true love. I received wisdom, I suddenly uncovered new talents and new things inside of me that made me not of this world, that God was sharing with me.
I learned that things actually don’t get easier after but now I have this strength and peace through the storms in life. I have this peace now when things look really bad where I can trust that someone is watching over me and taking care of me through it all because I have experienced it before. My faith over the years has got better even when things have gotten pretty bad.
I learned that being a follower of Christ doesn’t mean you have to be “religious” and being a Christian doesn’t mean you’re perfect. in fact since I have became a Christian and gave my life to God I have made mistakes and gone back to sin, but the difference is that I am now aware of my mistakes and fix them instantly, I now know what God says about my actions and redirect myself back to His path for me..
I learned that people will judge you no matter what whether you’re a believer or not a believer, but the difference is once you’re a believer you realize the only judgement that matters is that of God. I use to think “church people” judge more than non-church people, but that was me assuming and like anything else you’ll always find the few. I’m 4 years into my faith and get people who will judge me about mistakes I made 3-5 years ago, I still get people who will watch me for the first mistake I make and ride on that mistake for a long time, but the awesome thing is once you realize the only opinion is that of God, nothing else matters.
My last words to you on this specific blog, even if you don’t believe, but you’re going through a tough time and can’t take it anymore.. just call on God for help. He will meet you exactly where you are at. He sees you so worthy and God will not hold anything against you, ask for forgiveness because it’s already yours. If you hit rock bottom why not just give God a chance? What do you have to lose? He will always be here waiting for you. God is good.